Bottled at the source.

today.. or rather yesterday, by now.. really shitty. my dad was going to be in town today, but apparently that couldn't happen and he went back up at four in the morning. I was going to move stuff over, I wanted to get it over with, but now it won't happen for a week. I'm going to take the key he won't let me have and make a copy because I'm a horrible person and I need somewhere to go sit.. He seems to think I'll have a party there, or destroy the place, or something. yay for trust. He was bitching at me today about something he's doing for me that he doesn't have to do, doesn't have the money to do, but won't not do. My mom, on the other hand, has quite a bit of money. Her father's only way he knows to show he feels for something is to send money, so to show that he feels bad about the divorce he sent her a thousand dollars. I guess it's the only way he knows, just like my uncle gave her a trip to california.. A family of people who really know how to get the point across, eh?

Even when I cry there's a smile on my skin.

I went up to a renaissance festival over the weekend, my dad gave me the trip for my birthday. At the last minute he suggested I bring mole, so I did. It was amazing, everything I had hoped for. It's exactly the kind of thing I love, and it was so fun! It was the best (even if I -had- had another) escape from reality I've had in a long time. I love huge gatherings of people who love the same things I do, people who live two or three lives like that.. Personally I have four. My normal life, my by myself life, my con life, and my renfaire life which just got it's first taste of being out in the open.

Right. I was bored enough in the morning to go out and try to work in the garden.. that only lasted about an hour, though. I then switched to blaring music and sketching, which turned to painting another wall, which turned to painting myself. After that... I left. I was with kira rachel and lisa for a couple hours, then they left. Kira's so depressed, it's so horrible.. Anywho, I went to a park. I brought bubbles with me, so I blew a bubble garden and curled up in the middle and watched them all pop.. One stayed for a really long time, it was pretty cool.. Once that was done I realized that my mom had wanted me home half an hour earlier. Yay. As I was walking home I ran into gregory. That wasn't great, I hadn't wanted anyone to see me and I hope he didn't notice quite how bad I was.. It was pretty dark out, maybe the only noticeable thing was that I was trying not to look at him? Smooth move, but what could I really do.. I told him I was headed home, and since he was headed to see tiffany that was that. I wandered the streets for another hour or so, went to my dad's house and sat in the backyard.. When I finally got home my mom hadn't realized it was so late, and I curled up and stared at a wall for a while. I think it was an interesting wall, why else would I have watched it for so long?

..gods, i need a hug so badly..

stop following me, it's not good for..~#~

could someone kick me? or anything to make me -wake up-

why do i hate them so much? -how- could i hate them? is it something i'll get past? i can't stand the way they are.. don't even know how to say what's wrong with them,

13% moisture 49% wings

i spent all day.. leading up to something, yes, but not everything it should have. i had something i was there to say, to tell.. but as soon as you were there to talk to i second guessed myself. i let myself do something for me, instead of what should be better for you, and i left things out of what you did hear. i can't ask to talk again, and i doubt you care to hear the rest or the other. it's not that i'm not happy, it's that others should be instead.. i'm such a.. gar.. fuck -me- this pains

someone's hurt, and it's making me sad.. i probably don't know them, and i probably never will, but there's concern on my face for them.. open the cabinet

So she said what's the problem baby
What's the problem I don't know
Well maybe I'm in love (love)
Think about it every time
I think about it
Can't stop thinking 'bout it

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love (love)
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love


lets go change the world.~#~

here's a little bit of a quote from myself from a while ago, i suppose i can't dislike everything i write

"... i would die any day of the week for a chance at myself."

i was going to put more of it up, but i wrote it for myself to begin with, so why?

time for some false secrets of a wishful killer

..how indiscreet can i get? probably much more

the feeling's so sexual all the way down

love the beauty you're in

i wonder what will happen? and the warriors fade away..
if?

yes.~#~

I found paradise

but now i see that i'm stuck behind a mirrored window; that i may only watch. I used to have a piece of paradise, or so it seemed.. it was a wonderful garden, so beautiful and filled with life.. but i didn't give it what it needed, i didn't pull out the weeds. it didn't matter that i watered it, i was also watering the weeds and i guess they were all that was growing. as things went on, the point came where i was simply watering dirt. only then did i see that the weeds needed to be pulled out.. but that was obviously too late. all the plants had moved their seeds elsewhere.. but this, this new paradise that i can see, there aren't weeds! it has all of the beauty and life of my old paradise, but now it has someone to tend it that knows that some weeds need pulling.. so i sit, and watch ...and think that i could have had a garden like that, if only i had pulled those damned weeds ...and think that if i could go back i would be pulling them ...and think of a hundred things i should have done for my paradise, but all things that i simply had not. there's no reason to beat myself up over it anymore, but i continue. ...and i watch. this paradise has a wonderful gardener, everything a garden like this deserves. so i sit back and am happy for all of the plants in the garden who are flourishing under this gardener's care. but.. now something seems wrong. i can't sit still anymore, i can't watch this, the garden needs more water! the gardener isn't tending as much anymore, as though they've decided it will do fine on it's own. this perfect gardener has gone astray. they need to be reminded that to continue taking the fruit and flowers from their paradise, they need to put work back in so there will -be- fruit and flowers to take. but i can't get through the glass! the garden needs help, or paradise could be lost yet again, but it's not my paradise to save anymore. so i try turning away from the window; hoping the gardener will realize before it's too late ...and i think about planting a new garden, creating a new paradise, and doing the right things this time. but i can't bring myself to do it. can't bring myself to leave the memory of my old garden, can't believe that any new garden would ever be as beautiful, as full of life as my old paradise. i have some seeds left, seeds of the old plant that grew in my garden ...but i won't plant them. i'm afraid, so afraid that they won't grow again. if they didn't grow, they would take all remnant of my paradise with them.. so i give in, turn back around, and watch this new paradise. from my side of this horrible mirrored window, i watch someone else's garden grow. and i am happy for the gardener. and i am happy for the garden. and i hope, with all of my heart, that the plants never dry out.