Sunday
There are places I remember all my life, though some have changed.. some forever not for better, some have gone and some remain..
Why can the simplest things cause the most bliss, and cause the most heart wrenching pain? And I'm no good at showing the ones who give me happiness how much they mean to me, or the ones who cause hurt that something is wrong.. I'm horrid at being direct about things.. and as soon as something affects me deeply, or has the possibility of doing such, I put up a barricade. I've been trying to stop the walls forming, I think I'm getting better with the happy side.. If anyone notices I'm putting up barriers, please try to stop me..
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
I've been thinking about putting some of my real feelings up here, and I realized how many people it would affect if I did. It's horrible. I see now that I'll never do that. Maybe I'll have a second blog for that stuff.. Hmm.
In my life I love you more. ~#~
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
I've been thinking about putting some of my real feelings up here, and I realized how many people it would affect if I did. It's horrible. I see now that I'll never do that. Maybe I'll have a second blog for that stuff.. Hmm.
In my life I love you more. ~#~
Friday
Thursday
It's misery made beautiful right before our eyes
My window smells all the time. I don't think that's very normal.. One time it smelled like a grilled cheese sandwich, another like cupcakes.. All this while there is nothing of the sort in my whole house. Right now it smells like chicken. eew..
I've been immersing myself in music and reading and candles and -my room- lately, which my mom seems to think is a bad thing. I guess if I'm in my room all the time I'll grow up into a horrible person. Maybe I'm doing drugs up in my room! Oh gods, no! I had to borrow her computer the other day and she thought I was trying to look up porn. ..that's the extent of her trust.. Apparently when it's dark out I can't go on walks alone, even at 6? These walks are a part of me.. I need to be outside.. so now I'll be leaving the house after she's asleep, hoping she doesn't wake up until I'm back. I'm sure seeing how her ideas are helping. No, really! I can see it.. if I squint hard enough.. Oh, wait, my eyes are closed.
Are you more like a musk ox, or a glow-in-the-dark rubber ducky?
I think I'll wear flip-flops to school tomorrow. I mean, what's stopping me? Hmm.. I wonder where they are.. Maybe I'll even wear a skirt! That'd be pretty scary >.< Yeah.. probably no skirt.. *shivers from the eyes - always watching* Distracting myself is quite a past-time.. Tomorrow's friday! I was hoping something would happen, but it looks like nothing is.. I'll probably be here with Molly watching some new "best anime ever" that she got. And making cupcakes. booyah! Katie party should be good times, but I wonder what we'll actually do? My house is kind of boring, besides the piles of stuff and the smelly windows..
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, they danced by the light of the moon.
I need new socks! I found a hole in one of my favorite socks :( ..and I can't find the second one, so.. yep. We need to go up to iowa city! This year is the year we'll actually make it to the tulip festival, we need our white dresses! ..and valentines tights, even if it'll be after valentines day. Maybe two girls freakishly racing around the mall right before closing asking every single store if they had them would teach the stores to carry valentines day tights. Maybe.
All day today I've felt like I needed a hug. It seems weird to me, that "needing a hug" is a state of being.. but, to me, it is. I got a few hugs during the day, yeah, but they were just random "I'll put an arm around you really fast and run" hugs.. The only good hug was from my dog, and I was doing the hugging..
Pulled down by the undertow...through all the darkness I feel like letting go..
Okay, I guess I won't be watching fruits basket with mole anymore.. Damn linda for having a birthday tomorrow x.x Rachel wasn't at school today, so I don't know what's happening with the dance I don't want to go to.. Maybe I'll sit at home and shop for corsets and watch weis, hopefully not. I need to film people! So few people caught on tape..
Gar.. it's about time for me to leave for a walk, if I'm going.. I think I should run away some time, just to see how my parents would react. I guess it would be kind of sad, after the fact.. But I've felt so many times that I just want to leave my house, run somewhere.. anywhere.. and where ever I end up, just stay there for a while. I would come back, probably sooner than I would hope since I don't know where I could go that I could stay the night without someone's parents freaking out, or letting my mom know.. meh, just a thought. Oh well, no walk. If I left now I'd end up at someone's house, and I can't do that.. This feeling always scares me, but at least it isn't usually extreme. I can push it aside, at this point. I do that a lot, pushing aside my thoughts and feelings.
When the dust falls, where are -your- crackers? ~#~
I've been immersing myself in music and reading and candles and -my room- lately, which my mom seems to think is a bad thing. I guess if I'm in my room all the time I'll grow up into a horrible person. Maybe I'm doing drugs up in my room! Oh gods, no! I had to borrow her computer the other day and she thought I was trying to look up porn. ..that's the extent of her trust.. Apparently when it's dark out I can't go on walks alone, even at 6? These walks are a part of me.. I need to be outside.. so now I'll be leaving the house after she's asleep, hoping she doesn't wake up until I'm back. I'm sure seeing how her ideas are helping. No, really! I can see it.. if I squint hard enough.. Oh, wait, my eyes are closed.
Are you more like a musk ox, or a glow-in-the-dark rubber ducky?
I think I'll wear flip-flops to school tomorrow. I mean, what's stopping me? Hmm.. I wonder where they are.. Maybe I'll even wear a skirt! That'd be pretty scary >.< Yeah.. probably no skirt.. *shivers from the eyes - always watching* Distracting myself is quite a past-time.. Tomorrow's friday! I was hoping something would happen, but it looks like nothing is.. I'll probably be here with Molly watching some new "best anime ever" that she got. And making cupcakes. booyah! Katie party should be good times, but I wonder what we'll actually do? My house is kind of boring, besides the piles of stuff and the smelly windows..
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, they danced by the light of the moon.
I need new socks! I found a hole in one of my favorite socks :( ..and I can't find the second one, so.. yep. We need to go up to iowa city! This year is the year we'll actually make it to the tulip festival, we need our white dresses! ..and valentines tights, even if it'll be after valentines day. Maybe two girls freakishly racing around the mall right before closing asking every single store if they had them would teach the stores to carry valentines day tights. Maybe.
All day today I've felt like I needed a hug. It seems weird to me, that "needing a hug" is a state of being.. but, to me, it is. I got a few hugs during the day, yeah, but they were just random "I'll put an arm around you really fast and run" hugs.. The only good hug was from my dog, and I was doing the hugging..
Pulled down by the undertow...through all the darkness I feel like letting go..
Okay, I guess I won't be watching fruits basket with mole anymore.. Damn linda for having a birthday tomorrow x.x Rachel wasn't at school today, so I don't know what's happening with the dance I don't want to go to.. Maybe I'll sit at home and shop for corsets and watch weis, hopefully not. I need to film people! So few people caught on tape..
Gar.. it's about time for me to leave for a walk, if I'm going.. I think I should run away some time, just to see how my parents would react. I guess it would be kind of sad, after the fact.. But I've felt so many times that I just want to leave my house, run somewhere.. anywhere.. and where ever I end up, just stay there for a while. I would come back, probably sooner than I would hope since I don't know where I could go that I could stay the night without someone's parents freaking out, or letting my mom know.. meh, just a thought. Oh well, no walk. If I left now I'd end up at someone's house, and I can't do that.. This feeling always scares me, but at least it isn't usually extreme. I can push it aside, at this point. I do that a lot, pushing aside my thoughts and feelings.
When the dust falls, where are -your- crackers? ~#~
Monday
unbridled wonder, of love and escape - help
BOOYAH! we win. how much do we win? six performing, two non performing. that's how much. Im so happy for everyone! I loved all of our performances, and im so happy that so many are going on to allstate ^^ All that could have made this day better would be happiness for the people that didn't make it, or who aren't performing, and maybe my mom not being such a bitch-or her working later.. *laughs* Overall it was the best day I've had since... state ^^ I've been having such good days lately! Even doing absolutely nothing on sunday didn't get me very aggravated *happy spin*
Having p.e. 5th hour opposite a studyhall is making my days seem so much shorter! I can't decide what to take next year.. well, actually, I basically -have- decided; but that's not the point >.> I think there's one other semester class I can sign up for.. should I take grammar? Im not very good with it.. I probably should, and I suppose I won't want to take it senior year -.- I think Im going to sign up for:
composition
brit lit
advanced speech
psychology
chemistry
pre-cal
french 3
B tag
horticulture (yes. horticulture.)
Im not sure if I want another class. I really dislike studyhalls, for some reason.. but I need them badly because of my not doing much homework at -home- and all.. that's why Im beginning to like 5th hour studyhall. There was nothing to put across from p.e. and I wanted every day tag.. I would still want every day tag.. hmm.. ponderings..
All night long, all day, the doors of dark Hades stand open. But to retrace the path, to come up to the sweet air of heaven, that is labor indeed.
Life is a great thing. Sometimes I forget that, sometimes I can't believe that, but hopefully I always have some way to come back to that realization. I love you all ^^ yes, even you.
The creator of dust and nightfall. ~#~
Having p.e. 5th hour opposite a studyhall is making my days seem so much shorter! I can't decide what to take next year.. well, actually, I basically -have- decided; but that's not the point >.> I think there's one other semester class I can sign up for.. should I take grammar? Im not very good with it.. I probably should, and I suppose I won't want to take it senior year -.- I think Im going to sign up for:
composition
brit lit
advanced speech
psychology
chemistry
pre-cal
french 3
B tag
horticulture (yes. horticulture.)
Im not sure if I want another class. I really dislike studyhalls, for some reason.. but I need them badly because of my not doing much homework at -home- and all.. that's why Im beginning to like 5th hour studyhall. There was nothing to put across from p.e. and I wanted every day tag.. I would still want every day tag.. hmm.. ponderings..
All night long, all day, the doors of dark Hades stand open. But to retrace the path, to come up to the sweet air of heaven, that is labor indeed.
Life is a great thing. Sometimes I forget that, sometimes I can't believe that, but hopefully I always have some way to come back to that realization. I love you all ^^ yes, even you.
The creator of dust and nightfall. ~#~
Saturday
feeling can hurt, actions can hide feeling, actions can fool, unknown remains unknown
Tuesday
..and when she was happy, so was I
So one hour turned into 8, but I did sleep the whole time. Had an interesting dream.. I think I was the heir to a kingdom.. My house was the place that the king and queen were going to retire to, but it was just a plain house and I needed to turn it into a castle. Apparently all of my younger brothers (there were no sisters) had grown up in this house with me, but it wasn't any big deal that we had to change it. I guess it was why we had lived there in the first place.. It was pretty easy to change it into a medium castle, I was building it with clay and then it just happened.. Up to that point we had been like normal kids in this century, but as soon as the castle was finished we changed into people of a different era. We still knew the same things, but we were also used to living in semi-medieval times. The last thing I remember was that the king and queen were on their way here. I was wearing a dress, which wasn't normal for me because one of my brothers was laughing about it. I went into a small room and started comforting a small blonde boy by conspiring with him about the next time I would see him again. I don't think I was ever going to see any of them again.. Then I started walking down a huge staircase and some random voice was telling me that I had to get ready.. *shrugs* it was awesome because I was hallucinating after I got up and I kept thinking I was in the castle.. Five minutes after I got up I tried to go into a room that didn't exist, then I snapped out of it. I don't think I have a fever, but that -would- help explain it..
I know it's true, that visions are seldom what they seem..
So, valentines day is coming up. I should make people valentines, it used to be so fun.. Of course, my whole class was 25 girls and everyone made everyone else a card >.>; Well, maybe I'll make some cards at art tomorrow. Valentines day should be on saturday, not friday. A lot of people I know are planning on being very unhappy on valentines day, and if it was on saturday I could at least spend the day with them.. and the dance. I guess we were planning on going in corsets and such as whores? I don't even really see the point of going to the dance.. Pay to get into a dance that's at school and won't be as fun as having a party out of school with people you'd like to be around. Heh, the wonderful thing is that I'll probably end up going anyway. Maybe I'll find out someone -is- having a party that I could go to.. Ah well, at least not having a valentine isn't making me unhappy. Remember the days when valentines day was about breaking the rules and wearing red socks, giving people cards and candy, getting cards and candy in return, and saying happy birthday to your grandpa? Well I do. >.>
Can you feel the love tonight? It is where we are.
dividing upon himself
transformation from a butterfly to a molecule of self-proclaimed dirt
divulging an ever-symphony to be heard only by the stage
following the long-set traditions of ages yet to come
the cold granite cushions his feet as he swims through the minds of death and her cohorts
they know not what their search is for,
though the map of the worlds untruths says that X marks a comforting soul
They're bouncy trouncy flouncy pouncy funfunfunfunfun! ~#~
I know it's true, that visions are seldom what they seem..
So, valentines day is coming up. I should make people valentines, it used to be so fun.. Of course, my whole class was 25 girls and everyone made everyone else a card >.>; Well, maybe I'll make some cards at art tomorrow. Valentines day should be on saturday, not friday. A lot of people I know are planning on being very unhappy on valentines day, and if it was on saturday I could at least spend the day with them.. and the dance. I guess we were planning on going in corsets and such as whores? I don't even really see the point of going to the dance.. Pay to get into a dance that's at school and won't be as fun as having a party out of school with people you'd like to be around. Heh, the wonderful thing is that I'll probably end up going anyway. Maybe I'll find out someone -is- having a party that I could go to.. Ah well, at least not having a valentine isn't making me unhappy. Remember the days when valentines day was about breaking the rules and wearing red socks, giving people cards and candy, getting cards and candy in return, and saying happy birthday to your grandpa? Well I do. >.>
Can you feel the love tonight? It is where we are.
dividing upon himself
transformation from a butterfly to a molecule of self-proclaimed dirt
divulging an ever-symphony to be heard only by the stage
following the long-set traditions of ages yet to come
the cold granite cushions his feet as he swims through the minds of death and her cohorts
they know not what their search is for,
though the map of the worlds untruths says that X marks a comforting soul
They're bouncy trouncy flouncy pouncy funfunfunfunfun! ~#~
this is beautiful
Why :( ..giving me the flu that my whole family had a week after them? Why now.. and apparently it's slipped my mother's mind that the flu exists, and that she's not the only one who could get it.. she seems to think I'm faking this, which is great. I was just talking with katie yesterday about how much I hate being sick. I hate missing school, when there actually is school, because I procrastinate one hell of alot with my backwork. I'll do the homework for that day, and the homework the next day, and suddenly my two days to make up the work will be gone. I also hate being home alone with no one to talk to and nothing to do. I can't stand laying around all day when I could be at school with people I like, laughing at our education system and writing in strange languages.. no, not french.
Should I be happy because now I won't have to worry about being sick for state? Probably, I wouldn't get sick again so quickly.. but still.. this sucks. And it's so weirdly sudden! I'm used to feeling like crap at least a day before I'm sick, but I was perfect yesterday! Yesterday was awesome. The snow was perfect packing snow, and it wasn't very cold out.. I had a great day, and last night I was out running around with kia in it. Throwing snowballs for my dog is great ^^ she tries so hard to chase them, but once they land she can't find them. I do the same thing with walnuts in the fall.. I'm so horrible *cackle*
This may seem like rambling with nothing to say.. well, yeah. It is. I'm trying to distract myself, so I might blog a few more times today. ooOOoo more than once in a day! That hasn't happened in so long! And I finally updated my links! I'm so pleased with me *purrs*
Woah. I just realized, a bit late, that I had the phone laying on my chest. A bit late meaning ot rang and scared me half to death. If I was fatter I -would- be dead. When you don't breathe you can see your chest bumping with your heartbeat.. well, I can. Can other people? Hmmm.. I'm really hot, but my foot just touched my leg and my body is freezing. Darn. Now I'll have to find some blankets..
Maybe I'll spend the day watching anime.. I got some good stuff that I haven't gotten around to watching yet.. If only anime didn't cost so much! I wanted to buy everything in suncoast, but I couldn't even get one thing.. Molly and I went to a comic store up in iowa city and they had a shelf-wall thing full of new anime on vhs. I think I can deal with watching things on video, especially when they're 3 for nine dollars. booyah. I don't even remember where I bought X.. was it target? maybe..
I'll get back to this in an hour or so.. ~#~
Should I be happy because now I won't have to worry about being sick for state? Probably, I wouldn't get sick again so quickly.. but still.. this sucks. And it's so weirdly sudden! I'm used to feeling like crap at least a day before I'm sick, but I was perfect yesterday! Yesterday was awesome. The snow was perfect packing snow, and it wasn't very cold out.. I had a great day, and last night I was out running around with kia in it. Throwing snowballs for my dog is great ^^ she tries so hard to chase them, but once they land she can't find them. I do the same thing with walnuts in the fall.. I'm so horrible *cackle*
This may seem like rambling with nothing to say.. well, yeah. It is. I'm trying to distract myself, so I might blog a few more times today. ooOOoo more than once in a day! That hasn't happened in so long! And I finally updated my links! I'm so pleased with me *purrs*
Woah. I just realized, a bit late, that I had the phone laying on my chest. A bit late meaning ot rang and scared me half to death. If I was fatter I -would- be dead. When you don't breathe you can see your chest bumping with your heartbeat.. well, I can. Can other people? Hmmm.. I'm really hot, but my foot just touched my leg and my body is freezing. Darn. Now I'll have to find some blankets..
Maybe I'll spend the day watching anime.. I got some good stuff that I haven't gotten around to watching yet.. If only anime didn't cost so much! I wanted to buy everything in suncoast, but I couldn't even get one thing.. Molly and I went to a comic store up in iowa city and they had a shelf-wall thing full of new anime on vhs. I think I can deal with watching things on video, especially when they're 3 for nine dollars. booyah. I don't even remember where I bought X.. was it target? maybe..
I'll get back to this in an hour or so.. ~#~
i ?© tripple choholate pocky
