Bottled at the source.

And things continue to go under. Wow. I don't even know where to start. Why do my good days have to end up badly? Wait.. not badly.. just terribly depressingly, usually just bad for someone else..

It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black. ~#~

Wow. Life sucks for almost everyone I care about right now. I wish things would get better, but some things have to be dealt with before that can happen. ..maybe then we can all move on to being happy..

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly.

I have alot of things I need to say to people, and writing in here makes me think about that. The problem is, most of the things I have to say wouldn't be things to talk about online. Or to read in a blog. Maybe that's why I haven't been updating lately.. I have some stuff to deal with.. but I'm going to try to write in here more, for myself. I need to do that.

Fill me at the empty well, there's just enough.. . ~#~

Looking beyond, I don't want this regret: That too often when I loved, I didn't say so, my path of untold truths growing, every day of my being closed off to have acted as laying a stone, the path leading to my ruin.

When I put on my mask. ~#~

Lets see.. Well it's been a while. Stuff happened. Some of it's been good, great even, some of it's been bad. Hrm.. Well, there was ITLAP Day, after practice a few people came here, then I walked to the football game and stepped on glass, went to the coffee house, came back here with Keith, then next day.. Simon's bar mitzvah, coffee house again, Simon's party, Molly coming over here, Molly leaving the next day, me trying to help fix my roof with some tar stuff and getting rained on, Molly deciding that people would come over here to watch chocolat, people coming (and NOT coming) over and watching chocolat, and lastly.. starbursts. Yum. Like I said, stuff. Longer list than I thought, actually.

A hundred thousand mismatched words to pick from..~#~

Yesterday was interesting, not bad, just interesting. Today's been better, I think. I've had music stuck in my head all day, but teachers have been leaving me alone for the most part.. Rachel wasn't here this morning, so I didn't have anyone's hair to braid in french! *cry* So sad! I've been getting more sleep, like 30 minutes extra, so maybe that's why I've been feeling better..

Say little and say it well.

I'm thinking of getting url for myself. just to have for now, fiddle with, hopefully do something with in the future.. I want to make something to put "me stuff" on. Like Jenn has purpulskwid. I duno.. tag's almost over, now I get to run off and do some "task" for the play. Why'd I say I would? I have no idea.

Love someone without their knowledge.~#~

If I could put music into this I'd put the beatles song "In My Life" ..I love it.. I think it might be my favorite song, not just favorite beatles song. I can't think of a way to describe how it makes me feel, but it's a great feeling. The whole song, not just the lyrics.

In my life I've loved them all.

Flying, falling.. I've been having a good week so far. I'll include last weekend in this, starting off my week happily. Then I've either been having a good week, or I'm not caring what's happening in school. ..Hoping it's not the latter, that would mean I'm probably not having a good week. But I've had people to smile at, and poke, and lean on! It has to be good!

Sit beside a mountain stream - see her waters rise.

So I slept in this morning, and I'm thinking of actually doing it again tomorrow, on purpose. I washed my hair, so that's out of the way.. If I do sleep I imagining it'll crack me up so that when I get up I'll be laughing a bit loudly.. Making my family think I'm more crazy than usual. WOO! Even more incentive! (Seriously, I'm laughing right now at the thought of me sleeping in.)

In my life I love you more.

My hair's being spiffy tonight! It's all soft and shiny and it's not getting tangled.. (or at least it's softer, shinier and less tangled than USUAL...) Happy happy happy! *runs her fingers through her hair* It'd be nice if it lasts for tomorrow. My hair always kills me during school, the evil hair that it is. Someday it won't be the boss of me! I will win this war! GWAAAR! *...cough*

A knock on the door of sanity. ~#~

..lalalala la lala!

I got more sleep than usual last night; I slept in to a whopping 6:40! AAH!! It scared me half to death, but only half. Now it's time for me to be at school.. And guess what? I am at school! Go me! I'm sitting next to someone that's sending an email full of "smiley central" smiles to a bunch of people.

Gar! I just remembered what I was so mad about yesterday! A couple people in my intro to art class were talking, loudly, about how stupid and "gay" both LOTR movies were. DIE FOOLS!! They were talking about how they fell asleep, talked through the whole thing, were asked to leave, and were happy about leaving. About how golem was the the stupidest thing anyone had ever thought up. About how they don't see how the upcoming movie could be worse than the last two, but that they thought it would manage it anyway. I would have said something, but it would have been loud and inappropriate for school.. *clenched fists* must.. not.. strangle.. Anywho, school soon and I have to do some homework..

Five fun ways to modify a human. ~#~

..or something boring and doom-like, but not quite doom.

I got to go to church this morning, which was.. um.. well it wasn't as bad as usual. We put together a rainbow bright puzzle! ^^ The downside being that I was a human couch half the time, and will never get paid more than $7 for it.. Anywho, then I got into babysitting, got back out of it, and sat around till just about 5. Then I went on a walk with Gregory.

On my way to meet him at the coffee house this little kid that started following me, he followed me for a few blocks.. until a yappy dog caught his attention and I got away. >.>;; Then I saw someone standing on the corner of a back street hitchhiking, which was strange enough, but then someone actually pulled over and let them in. The walk was nice.

When you wish upon a star, doesn't matter who you are, when you wish upon a star your dreams come true.. Happy day ^^

Why can't I let it go.~#~

That was nice. I had a really good day today. ^^ Had Molly, Heath, Gregory, and Evan over. Collin too, but he left on the way back from 2nd street.. We didn't really do anything, watched a couple movies, played a couple games, went to the coffee house.. But it was good times. Would say more, but I can't think with all of the Aladdin songs in my head.. (I can show you the wooorld.. Still I think he's rather tasty! Can you're friend do this?)

A scent to remember you by. ~#~

I am no warrior,
I am not brave,
I am no preacher,
I cannot save,
I am no leader,
I can't show you the way,
I am a deceiver,
I'll lead you astray.

I have this bothersome cut on my knee, it's getting all puffy and I'm not sure what it's from. I've been thinking about it for a couple days, wondering where it came from. Today was a weird day, but I think I'm over my freaky emotional-breakdown thing. I broke down in school.. I had a really bad headache and Chapman started bitching at me about something and I just lost it.. Started crying, said I needed to go to the nurse and she fucking ignored me and started handing out papers. Then I ended up seeing tons of people I'd rather not have while I was walking through the halls. At least I ended up going home.. But I feel like I'm actually over it all now! Finally! *relief* But I have to make up the mile, and I missed play practice.. Ah well.

I've updated alot today. o.O;

When things are different I'll know better than to try. ~#~

Why would someone want to stay home from school? I mean, now that I've numbed my head with a very large amount of aspirin I have nothing to do. There's nothing I would even dream of watching on tv, I'm up to date on all of the webcomics I read, I'm not hungry, I've already tried falling asleep, I can't exactly read right now, and while I do have some music won't make me take even more aspirin.. music isn't going to be something to do for the rest of the day. Yes folks, sadly, I wish I was in school. I'll even go back and run the mile! Save me!

Grow up to be a golden turtle. ~#~

So Molly had a breakdown too, seems like it's happening to lots of people lately.. Has school started a new level of stress? Has it been adding up for a long time? Why?! "Why are you depressed?" isn't a good question to ask someone. Most of the time they're not sure, or it's a mix of alot of things.

Anywho, I went over to Mole's house, luckily her parents weren't home, and we went for a walk. We just walked around a block and talked about random things, then she got a call that she had to get ready for bed, so I had to leave. Almost a full moon, there's one tomorrow. It's really nice out right now.

As I was driving home I was watching the graveyard. It's really strange at night.. Every so often there's a grave with a little lantern-like thing in front of it glowing softly. Pretty creepy. But, then again, I think anyone who wants their body to go rot in a box in the ground once they're dead is creepy, too. Cremation all the way, baby. Boo-yah.

...Then I got to thinking about who the people actually were. Like that skeleton in science. Who was it? Did they really want their skeleton to be stripped of flesh and hung in a classroom? I suppose they did. ...And then I thought about death. It was a long thought time, so I won't go into it, but it was interesting. And then I listened to the Beatles! Yay Beatles! *strawberry fields forever...*

Songs of sorrow, drifting thick as morning fog. ~#~

Masses! Ehehe.. I made a funny! ..I hope

*AHEM* Anyone who likes videogames, night time, sitting around, pocky, and is someone I know.. Come on down to my "All you can bother yourself to do while sitting around doing nothing, in a group" thing! It'll be coming sometime soon to a my house near you. Or not near you.

There were others.. but your eyes were the brightest, your smile meant the most..

I'm so fucked up right now, there are no words for me to describe it. And to top off all of that stuff I'm not able to tell, I had a 'wonderful' day.

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. ~#~

Late start tomorrow! *grin* That means.. I wake up an hour later and have no more time than usual. And we get 36 minute classes! Whee! I wonder if I'll have to dress out for p.e.? Hope not.

If I could hold you in my arms..

Well play practice is getting.. er.. well it's not exactly seeming to get very much of anywhere. Maybe people with lines know where theirs are? Maybe it's still to early to tell, actually.. it IS too early to tell. We kind of know when we come on. Maybe we'll figure out when we go off soon.. Slechtasizing tomorrow, bring your happy kill-me-now face! ..and one and two and three and four..

I see you in my dreams..

I feel like getting together with people this weekend. I have a list of "fun" things to do which goes something like.. friends, chocolate, moon, videogames, mushmows, random disney movie, and if molly feels like contributing some.. pocky. Still adding to that.

I sadly yearn to tell you all.. unfettered, soul to soul, face to face..

My head feels like it's being cracked open, which isn't a good thing. Maybe I won't stay up that much later than usual.. hr.. hrm.. *bursts into pained laughter* Right. It's weird that I can't get to sleep at a normal time, normal being before 11. Really, that's normal. But I'm just naturally awake at night.. x.x

Who will save me?

Guh.. I have to walk tomorrow I think.. I don't know how long it takes me to walk to school.. Maybe I can find a ride.. Meep.. Dun't wana be late.. Actually, I just haven't cared about school stuff lately. I didn't even listen in algebra2 yesterday, didn't do the homework, and I haven't thought about the chapter project.. The only class I even like is art, and I'd like english if the people in my class even cared about what they were reading. Motivation for going to school at all? Before school time, lunch after "eating", people in french, and non-checked internet time in tag. And a few people in general, but that's not talk-about-able

Someday soon. ~#~

Wow, a tag update. Isn't this original? Have we seen this somewhere else? Naw. I'm bored beyond all reason, even though I'm kind of researching something I care about. Jennie doesn't think I should be writing in my blog, that I'm wasting class time.. But I really don't feel like doing anything right now. Jennie and I are going to work all year (ALL YEAR) on this gaelic festival thing and have it near the end of the year, out of school.. So if you want to come you can. She's obsessing over the gaelic language right now, because I'm being a pessimist about it. I was all worked up about getting to do research on gaelic history, but I was pushed into doing this because I couldn't come up with a project. Gar.. back to "research" I suppose..

May the cat eat you and the devil eat your cat. ~#~

I worked a the gem show today, 12 - 3, longer than I thought I'd have to.. It was extremely boring, the only events of my time there were Gregory coming and talking to me, and some lady with a feathery hat leaning over the table to whisper about Pasty Cline in my face and then taking a tape player out of her purse and trying to play a tape for me. If I'd only had chairs at my table then I could've talked to Gregory and Davey for more of the hour and a half (? ) they were there. No one else that I knew came.

When it all amounts to nothing in the end.

My parents went to a concert tonight, so I took a walk. I ended up going to obi nelson and sitting on a swing for about 45 minutes thinking about stuff I should've done differently in life, things I missed the chance to do, and how I can make up for that now since I shouldn't be dwelling on it anymore. It really brought down my spirits. Maybe this is why I like taking walks with other people more than alone.

Molly if you have someone that likes you, and you have a date to homecoming with a completely different person, then you should have no reason to doubt that you could have a date to winter formal, or prom, if you allow yourself to. Don't think you're not a wonderful person, because you are. You deserve to be happy, let yourself be.

[Insert bitter laughter here] I should probably be taking my own advice, I have a bad habit of telling people the advice that I need to hear.. But I guess, unless I'm saying the wrong thing, then it's good enough that someone hears it..

Blessed be.

I went to Julia's bat mitzvah party last night, it was fun enough. I called Heath and convinced him to go, so Molly and I had someone to talk to. (Thanks for coming Heath! Nice tie ^^ ) I loved the dress I wore, I want to find one like it.. (It was Molly's dress) There were these mini cheesecake things and a bar, so I was pretty satisfied. We ended up spending alot of time out on the square, until a cop showed up and told us that "the square's closed after 10" ..how do you close the square? Anyway, then we went and stood on the corner by the party and Sergio decided to come over and ask us how much we cost.. ("..Since you're all dressed up and standing there") Luckily Tegan decided to speak up and tell him "Sergio, no." ..to which he replied, "Damn! How does everyone know me?" Sergio. You live on the square.

Anywho, we gave Heath and Tegan a ride home, stopped by Molly's house, then came here and watched castle in the sky. It was late, Mole fell asleep during it and I almost tipped over too, but I loved the movie.

When life gives you candles. ~#~

Art walk! Happy day! So.. I go home from school with a huge headache, sleep until molly comes over around 6, then we watch donnie darko until around 7. After the movie we wander off to the square for the art walk! ...And then to the coffee house, and then to the art walk, and then to the coffee house, and then to the art walk..

The whole thing was great, plus I was in a really happy/hyper mood. I didn't have the money to get my face painted (one whole dollar) but I did get to draw a chalk raccoon holding NATE, Molly showed Evan's love of goaste which later changed to his love of goats, some kid humped the statue of the old man on the bench (scary shit, watching a little kid do that), raspberry foods galore, grapes, frilly-spinning, fun, dancing, music, art, etc. ^^

Sadly, we had to leave just before 10 and didn't get to walk home either. Ah well, good times, good times.

Glomp me, I'm wearing a hat!

Today's my mom's birthday so my plans for the weekend are being thrown off a little. Little as in I might actually be eating lunch today, and I might not get to take my four hour walk for the full four hours. >.>;;; I was planning on giving her this pattern for a quilt and some fabric, but I think I'll just give her some money and set her loose in a quilt shop. Oh! My dad's home, too! Which means I'll finally get to fix my phone. It also means I'll probably have to clean my room again.. My mom came in at nine this morning and crunched something under the layer of clothes..

Gabh cuid. HU-FREAKING-ZAH!

I have to work at the gem and mineral show tomorrow from 12 - 2 selling grab bags, so if you're thinking of coming to the show, or even if you're not, consider coming and talking to me. Pretty please? It'll be fuuuun.. There'll be rocks and stuff..

Life is a tube of marble. ~#~

What a strange day, and it's not even really over yet.. Don't really feel like going into detail, or saying any of the stuff that was weird, but it was. >.>

Heads I love you, tails I flip again.

Well I had some nice, happily reflective post ready in my mind, but I lost it.. Maybe I'll think it up again later. Oh! I know what I'm doing for tag, I think, or at least what I'm being forced to do. More on that tomorrow..

Is it a bad sign when your world, turned upside-down, looks better? ~#~

"Love, whom we fight but never conquer,
Love, the ravager of proud possessions
Who keep eternal vigilance
In the softness of a young girl's cheek,
You go wherever the wide seas go
And among the cottages of country-dwellers.
None of the immortal gods can escape you,
Nor man, whose life is a single day,
And, to whoever takes you in, comes madness."

I had a hard time sleeping last night. Fell asleep easily enough around 11, but I woke up around 1, then again at 2, and 3, 3:30, then I couldn't get back to sleep. So I've been up for a while. I'm listening to a subway ad with some lady singing about how she "likes it hot" ..Yeah, lady, I don't wana hear about that. ("Oooooooh the spicy beans!")

I've been thinking lately about alot of things in my life.. Not many people actually know me, I've hidden myself away and became shy along with that. It might've been losing more then one best friend for no reason at all, they just decided to stop being my friend. I've tried to come up other reasons for it but nothing else comes to mind. I'm trying to get away from being shy though; heck, that I actually tried out for the play is a huge step for me.

Arg, It's starting to get light out.. Soon it'll be time for me to go take a shower and run off to school, joy of all joys.

Looking through a glass onion. ~#~

So I found this blue marker, right? Yeah. I'm drawing all over my hands and arms and legs, but what's great is it isn't bleeding into blue blobs! It should be gone by tomorrow, but I may bring the pen and have people draw on me to take some boredom out of my day. *happy dance*

Here comes the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man.

So, now I find out that for the play I get to be a handmaiden (which must be a "scott word" for slut), a sheep with ears and a tail, and a siren in a extremely short badly colored miniskirt.. Do the go-go boots make it better? I wouldn't know. Maybe once we add the neon wigs..

To dance with a can of peanuts. ~#~

What to post.. Well the long weekend's over soon. Not that you don't all know that. I have a french test tomorrow that I don't know any of the stuff for, but I can't concentrate right now..

Annoying, but oh so good.

Well I finally did something today. I wandered with Gregory, and Collin who was late because he had to learn french..? Well it was a nice walk, anywho. Went to this bridge, then came back. (Short story, but eh.)

I found a story today, I wrote it back in 3rd grade.. It's a little long to post here, and I might ruin it by taking it out of 3rd grade spelling, but it basically goes on and on about a talking flower that goes on an adventure and meets a sheep. Good times, good times.

A golden love in the sky, brighter than the sun. ~#~

I'm still telling myself that I can find someone to do something with tomorrow, even if it's just to go on a walk.. Not sure if I still believe it, but ah well. Hope's hope.

Can't you see how I feel about you, isn't it clear?

Trigun.. haven't had a chance to watch it in a while and tonight reminded me of how much I like it. I don't think kia likes it though, she kept trying to get me to leave the room during the show and she was growling about something. Such a strange dog I have.

..Someone to talk to... ~#~